Begreppet ”Roasting”, där målet är att medvetet misshandla offret i fråga verbalt i hopp om att såra denne, tycks växa sig allt starkare. På både gott och ont. Dess senaste offer var ingen mindre än den före detta 2 divisions världsmästaren Randy Couture när han under torsdagskvällen förlöjligades i humoristiska minnestal av bland annat träningskamraterna från förr Chael Sonnen och Dan Henderson.
Kvällen blev lång för den före detta 2 divisions världsmästaren Randy Couture när han under torsdagen efter ett NCAA wrestling championships event roastades, där listan av villiga medverkande var förhållandevis lång. Wade Schalles, Chael Sonnen, Dan Henderson, Rulon Gardner, Scott Casber, Royce Alger, Wayne Boyd och Jim Ramirez höll inte tillbaka i beskrivningen Randy Couture där allt från minnen från förr till Randy Coutures senare livsval kom att förlöjligas.
Dan Hendersons och Chael Sonnens tal finns nu tillgängliga för allmänheten i textformat, där underhållningsvärdet är enormt och där en del guldkorn finns att hitta. För er som vill se förlöjligandet i dess helhet så går en officiell stream att se för 7.95 USD genom följande länk. För er som väljer att fortsätta i text eller länk, var medveten om att dessa herrar är ocensurerat fula i truten.
Chael Sonnens tal:
Randy Couture, ladies and gentleman. Or for those of us who know him, refer to him as a douchebag. That’s not because he’s a jerk, it’s just because he’s been inside more stanky women than anyone else we know. Boom, roasted!
Randy, I will give you this. The one wife was hot. Well, she got hot when she left with half of your money. Boom, roasted!
Randy, your last three girlfriends have all averaged a nine. I’m not talking about their looks, I’m talking about their I.Q. Boom, roasted.
Same joke as last time, different ending. Randy, your last three girlfriends all averaged a nine. I’m not talking about their looks, I’m talking about their age. Boom, roasted.
I’m glad to see you’re smiling and, by the way, your teeth look like a row of porcelain urinals. Boom, roasted.
Hey Randy, can you hear me? The guys’ cauliflower ears are so bad Golden Corral uses them twice a week at their vegetable bar. Boom, roasted!
Did you guys hear about the time Randy Couture went to eBay to buy himself a penis enlarger? They sent him a magnifying glass. Boom, roasted.
So let me tell you what brings me here tonight. I’m sitting around, I get a call, my phone lights up, it’s Wade Schalles. You’ve gotta understand, this guy has taken out more people than smallpox, so when he calls you answer the phone. He says, ’Chael, what are you up to?’ I said, ’Well, Wade I’ve got an assortment of chemical, synthetic, shortcut-to-success variety of substances in front of me. I’m getting ready to put more holes in my ass than Pebble Beach, if you really want to know. The question is what can I do for you?’
He said, ’I want you to come out to Kansas City’s ugly sister St. Louis and I want you to roast Randy Couture. So here we are and as I look out at this room I see more shriveled ears and broken dreams than the Iowa corn plight of 1970. And we all come here with the same colossally pleasurable objective of reducing our guest of honor to a pile of smoking ashes, which is exactly what most theater owners did to their Scorpion King 2 posters.
Goddam, you ever listen to that? James Earl Jones tells me that his royalty check bounced and he wants to repo his voice from that movie. There you were, ’Natural,’ swanning about it in a golden loin cloth, chopping off people’s heads and every time you opened your mouth I was expecting to hear, ’This is CNN.’
Now, Randy Couture is an ambassador, both to the sport of wrestling and the spectacle that is MMA. And like any ambassador, he parks wherever he wants, he spends most of his time drunk, he hides money from the feds, he lies through his teeth and he’s had at least one dead hooker rolled up in a carpet and dumped off in a dumpster.
This guy looks like I’m telling the truth. He threw me off. I’m just fooling. Boom, roasted.
Randy has never taken a shortcut. And that isn’t because he’s got some steely reserve to hone his own path and forge the ultimate in strength. It’s because he’s too dumb to use a GPS.
But he’s never backed down from a challenge, even when it’s destined for colossal failure like the Expendables 3. Boom, roasted.
Now, the thing we love about Randy is that if you were in any type of jam, any type of trouble at all, you know that you could pick up the phone and call him. And as sure night follows day, within two weeks you will have an e-mail from his assistant’s intern asking you to refrain from any and all future contact.
While you sit in a jail cell in Tijuana and a pack of cartel assassins are tearing your body apart, he will get in his Bentley, go to Malibu and spend a day at the beach in your honor. And that’s what we all love about the guy.
You guys all think he’s here because he’s famous. But you couldn’t be more wrong. If you think he was famous for being UFC champion, listen. I was out with him last night. Trust me, he’s not famous at all. Now, people did walk up to him, because they thought he was Dana White. And he looks like Dana White if Dana was to exercise, eat well, grow a beard and do an eighth of coke every night. Boom, roasted.
I have seen all of his movies, guys. I have seen everything the guy has ever done. I’m starting to think he’s getting stereotyped. But that’s Hollywood for you. You can tell that’s Hollywood. Michael Richards will always be Kramer. Bryan Cranston will always be Walter White. And Randy Couture will always be awful. Boom, roasted.
Randy Couture, the only person to take more shots to the face and leave with less was Lindsay Lohan. Did you meet her in rehab? Boom, roasted.
Randy, I would pass along some nice words before I leave, but I simply don’t have any.
I’m kidding, brother. I love you and thanks for letting me roast you. It’s been an honour.
Dan Hendersons tal:
”I’m very happy to be here tonight. Randy has been a friend of mine for a very long time. Chael has been a friend of ours as well for a long time. Randy and I owned a little health club a long time ago and Chael was our front-desk girl for a time. True story. What did you say, ’roasted, boom?’
Chael reminds me, I think of him like Pinnochio. His nose doesn’t really get longer. Every time Chael lies, his testosterone levels go up. And he can’t talk without lying, so…
Like I said, we’re here for Randy tonight. Randy and I have been friends for a long time. We’re both getting old. I feel like now that he left the UFC, he’s kind of left me as the oldest guy in there now. What the hell was that all about?
Seriously, Randy was getting old as sh*t when he was fighting. He literally fell asleep halfway through his last UFC fight.
They call him ’The Natural.’ Randy ’The Natural’ Couture. Everything in his life is natural. That just defines him completely, being natural. Well, except for the fact of his girlfriend’s tits and his acting ability.
Chael, no snorting at the table. Jon Jones isn’t here to do that.
Look, Randy seriously is a great fighter. He’s a legend in the sport. I think he’s spent long fighting that his personal life is starting to mimic his fighting life. If you seriously think about it, his fighting life and his marriages are real similar. They get together, they roll around a little bit, he mounts them a couple times. Next thing you know, 15 minutes is up, there’s a judge involved and the whole thing is over.
Well, his fighting is a little better than his marital record. I think he’s like 0-5 now in marriage. But typically, unlike his fights his marriages have ended in him tapping out.
If you ask any of Randy’s exes, they’re all going to say the same thing: ’Randy cheated on me multiple times, multiple times.’ You never hear from it Mindy [Couture’s current girlfriend], though. She’ll never say that once. They haven’t gotten to multiplication yet in school. They’re still on addition and subtraction. Randy has jock straps that are older than her.
And of course after fighting Randy moved into entertainment. Yes, Randy. We’re all still waiting to be entertained.
It’s been mentioned that Randy has been on Dancing with the Stars recently. I think they use that term ’stars’ very loosely. But besides that, Randy got beat out by a 76-year-old stoner. What the f*ck?
I’m glad to see Randy’s movie career is going well. He’s a part of the franchise movie The Expendables. You know what Randy’s last fight and the movie Expendables has in common? You blink and it’s over.
Expendables had a great cast. I love it. You got an old fighter, you got a guy that can barely speak English, you got a guy that publicly cheated on his wife with a maid that wasn’t so good-looking. And that’s just Randy. The rest of the cast is great as well.
I kind of wanted to finish with a little bit of a story. Randy and I a long time ago, out in Atlanta with a couple other wrestlers were outside of a club, bar, whatever you want to call it. Randy, I’ll say Randy, was inebriated. Maybe both of us were.
The bouncers outside this club were giving Randy a lot of trouble. Of course we had Randy’s back. And Randy, being the biggest one of us, he went after the littlest one of them. I don’t think he ever touched the guy, never caught him. The rest of us beat the shit out of all the bouncers.
Randy, as smart of a guy you guys think he is, was on the board of USA wrestling, the board of directors. All the board went out the next night went out to dinner, took him out for a couple drinks. Randy was so hungover from the night before, drinking water, leaning up against the wall. A couple cops and a couple bouncers came up to him and said, ’You gotta get the hell out of here.’ Randy said, ’What for? I didn’t do nothing.’ ’Well, you beat up all the bouncers in here last night.’ Randy being a smart guy went back to the exact place his buddies beat up the bouncers. He didn’t even do anything. His buddies beat up all the bouncers the night before. True story.
This was way back in the day before Randy and I even started fighting. Maybe we knew it was our calling.
All fun and games, I appreciate Randy and the friendship we have had over the years. I appreciate what he has done and the way he has portrayed himself for the sport of wrestling and MMA. It’s great to call him my friend”.